Can I Just Tell You...

...that at the ripe old age of 15 I became a mom, yes, I said 15. Not something I recommend by the way. I grew up in a family where love did not abound, and where abuse was rampant. But I like to think that I turned out for the better, most of the time that is, and that I am not a product of my upbringing. Life was not easy growing up, and I used to ask myself a lot of question, like, "where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? Why did I get this family? Is there a God, and if so why would he put me through this? Just some of the questions I used to ask myself. I found those answers at age 16 when I was introduced to the church (that is a story for later). I have had to fight for a good life, a life without pain, and hurt, and not always achieving it.

At the age of 25 I got my GED. I know I didn't get to graduate with my class and walk up to the stand and recieve my diploma, but I did it and I can't tell you how it made me feel. My husband never pushed me, always supported and loved me just the way I am with or without it. Because it wasn't about him, or the fact that he was with someone who did not graduate high school or go to college. It was about me and what I wanted for myself. I knew if I did it for anybody but me it would be worth nothing. My effort would have been in vain. I wanted to finish school, I wanted to accomplish that for me, nobody else, I wanted to be a great many things...But the one thing I am not, is a quiter!

At age 36 I got my drivers licence, and that was no easy task for me. I have been in a total of 11, count them, 11 accidents...Yep that is not a typo you're reading, I said 11...
I won't go into detail, but to say that one of the last accidents I was in left me so emotionally traumatized that I would cry on the way to my doctors appointments, to the store, etc, etc. You get the picture...
Needless to say I was ready to conquer my fear, for it had overtaken me long enough. I signed up for a class, had a great instructor, was surrounded by kids who didn't care about safey or rules and laughed at the horrific videos of accidents they played for us. When it was time for me to learn to drive the freeway my instructor did not give me any warning, just gave me directions and I was off, and then I realized where he was leading me. I got so nervous and scared, I wanted to turn around, but he said to go and I did. There just happened to be a big rig in my way as I was merging and I have to tell you it took all my strength not to pull over and cry. Yep, cry, have had too many close calls with those things and I was afraid I was going to kill us. But I said a little prayer, "just get me home safe to my family please, and don't let me fall apart" The peace that overcame was instant and I got home in one piece and so did the other passengers that were with me that night. Once again, I did not drive for anyone but me. I made a commitment to myself and asked for the Lord's help in overcoming my fear, and there it is. ME DRIVING, YEAH!!!
It did not matter that it took me all this time to do it, what matters is that I did it. With the loving support of my husband,and my children.

At 40 I got on a boat, in the ocean! I am afraid of water. I can't swim. But I did it, yes I did. I loved it, it was so amazing. And I had the added pleasure of sharing that experience with my sister Cecelia who I love like no other. She is my best friend, my sister, and I love her for being there for me and helping me through that fear.

Why did I feel the need to write, to express these things. Because sometimes life isn't easy. Sometimes you have people pushing you to do things you aren't ready to face. People who want for you to succeed but don't allow you the room to do it yourself. Because sometimes you just have to say "stop, this is my life and I can do this, not for you, but for me, so let me do it and shut up" Thats all...