Okay this post is hard for me because it touches on my childhood abuse...so here goes...
I have been seeing a doctor for my injury that I sustained during my fall, and this doctors office is small and has those hospital curtains to divide areas for therapy. Therapy that includes me taking off my top and putting on a gown so they can do ultrasound, and electrical stimulus on my back and shoulder. I have never had a problem and everyone there is so nice. But one day as I was getting dressed a man who was in the next curtained area opened the curtain while I was still in a state of undress. And I froze, nothing came out of my mouth, no sound, nothing, I lost my voice along with the capacity to move. I dressed and walked out, I didn't feel like myself as I talk to the receptionist to make my next appointment, I can hear myself laugh at something funny but I feel like I am watching myself from afar. I carry a conversation with my husband Lee, we get home, we cook, eat dinner, watch t.v. Because I have been having a hard time sleeping since my fall I took some sleeping pills, and a pain pill to help me sleep and alleviate pain and discomfort. The only problem is every time I close my eyes I keep seeing this mans face looking at me, I get a heavy feeling in my chest and I want to scream. I am angry at myself for not screaming, not fighting, not saying anything to the doctors staff.
I am wondering what I could have done differently, I feel like I should have done something. I feel like it is my fault, like I could have done something. I blame myself, I feel so vulnerable, and I feel helpless. I am crying and I can't seem to stop. I try to push it down but I can't. Lee thinks I am having a nightmare and shakes me to wake up. I finally got out what happened at the doctors office, he holds me and tells me I did nothing wrong, tells me it wasn't my fault, but I can't believe it...
I am sobbing so hard, I hurt so much...I tell Lee "I don't feel like myself, I feel like I am ten all over again" The weird thing as he is holding me, my body feels foreign to me. He is talking to me, comforting me, helping me, I can't stop crying, and crying...I don't want to feel this way again...not ever...
The problem with that is that I have felt that way before, growing up in our house. The hitting, the screaming, the hurting, the pain...It was a scary place to grow up in, always wondering if when the bedroom door opens if he is coming in again... But all those feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt came flooding back that night. I don't know how I finally fell asleep, but I did. When I woke the next day, I had a major headache and felt like I had just been hit by a truck. Emotional pain is so draining. When Lee gets home from work he calls the doctors office to let them know what happened. They are apologetic, and want to relieve my anxiety. They are so helpful and kind, I just feel like I am causing them trouble. Lee is holding me, letting me cry it out, vent, say what I need to say. Always letting me know that it was not my fault and that I did nothing wrong. Doctors office calls a little later to let me know that they are taking precautions so something like that does not happen again. I am grateful for their kindness, because I feel guilty for causing them trouble, see what I mean about the guilt?...
I ask Lee to give me a blessing and so I am having him write that next:
During the blessing I received several impressions but the best way to describe it is to repeat the words as best as I can remember. I began the blessing invoking the Holy Priesthood and called her by name and offered a blessing of comfort.
Anita, your Heavenly Father would have you know that he is aware of the challenges you have faced in your life. He is aware of the suffering you have endured at the hands of others through their own poor choices. He is aware of the incident which caused you great anxiety the other day at the doctors office and he would have me say unto you, "Peace be unto your soul, let your heart be still and know that I am God."
Anita, because of your acceptance of the trials of this life, in the pre-existence you have assigned unto you legions of Angels who are sent to protect and watch over you. They have been with you throughout your life and you are yet safe despite your past trials.
Anita, your Father in Heaven would also have you know, that the adversary would use this recent event against you. He will try to have you blame yourself for the mistake of another, and cause you to lose your confidence and thus your faith and trust in the Lord's watchful care over you. He would have you doubt, and then watch you falter.
Continue in prayer with your Father in Heaven and find comfort in his words in the scriptures. Your days are known, they will not be numbered less. Be comforted, be calm, have faith in the Savior's Love for you. In his name I seal this blessing upon you now, amen.
During and after this amazing and wonderful blessing I felt as if my Savior was there putting his arms around me comforting me, supporting me, I was not alone, I was protected and for the first time in a long time I felt safe. And so instead of giving into that fear, I relied on the Lords help and went back to that doctors office instead of hiding like I really wanted to. But I was not going to allow the adversary to see me live in fear once again.
I have this saying that I like to read every now and again, but that day the significance of it pierced my heart;
"Do you realize who you are? Haven't you learned yet that you are a daughter of Almighty God? Do you not know that there are powerful resources inherited from him that you can call upon to give you steadiness and courage and great power."
That day I read and re-read that over and over...I needed to steady myself, I needed to face whatever came head on and with courage. I am so happy that I am blessed with a husband who holds the priesthood worthily and that I was receptive to the spirit.
